More on Families

Lynne and I served as sponsors for  candidates in this year's RCIA class. We met every week from September through the Easter season. One of the candidates at my table was a man I had known for more than thirty years but had never known very well. We watched each other's children grow up. I was surprised he wasn't Catholic because he has always been a regular at Mass. He also obviously has a strong marriage. That was enough for me to form a positive image of him and consider him a friend, a brother in Christ if you will. I enjoyed getting to know him better through RCIA.

Strong marriages are pretty much the norm our circles. Through the years there have been divorces among our friends of course, and in our family. But they have been the exception. My own marriage has had its rough spots but has survived, so far. I guess I should consider myself fortunate.

I came across some truly alarming statistics this week. Just 36% of adult Americans think a successful marriage is one of the most important things in life. 51% of children born to women under thirty have unmarried mothers. Most black women will be single parents at some point.

The rise in single parent households seems a mostly American phenomenon. Birth rates are down in Europe and so are marriages. But when a child is born it is usually to a couple who are if not married at least living together in a long term relationship. Here cohabiting couples typically split by the time a child is five years old. It makes a difference if only economically. For a family in or near poverty the addition of a second income, even a low income, has a big impact.

I'm not sure what the difference is here but it is worrisome. Sociologists say a child, even a child born into poverty, has a 75% chance of making it into the middle class if he does three things; graduate high school, marry,  and wait until 21 to have children. A child raised in a single parent household is much less likely to do those things. We may be creating a large persistent multigenerational under class.

The most perplexing part of this is the seeming indifference. How can people think marriage isn't that big a deal? Of course it is a big deal! One of the highest compliments I ever got was from my daughter. We were having a serious talk about where her life was going and she told me what she really wanted was what I had. She meant a strong marriage and family.

Marriage may be more important than some of us realize. Several years ago I was working in Germany, commuting essentially with three weeks there, a week home, and back again. On a couple of those trips instead of me coming home Lynne joined me there. They were wonderful trips and we have great memories. The first time she came I was staying in a city I wasn't particularly enjoying. I found the people a bit dour. But when Lynne came people lit up. Waiters and hotel clerks that hadn't looked me in the eye before were suddenly giving us big hellos, bright smiles, and asking about our day. The change was remarkable and persisted after Lynne left. I don't know who or what those people thought I was before they saw Lynne, but because of my marriage I had become respectable, someone they were glad to see. I think it speaks volumes about our attitudes toward the most fundamental institution in any society.

Oh, and my early impressions of my friend from RCIA? Spot on.